anibby

right .

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 12:57:51 GMT

im going to take the bus to go to the treatment center in 15. i'm so nervous. wisih me luck!

tomorrow.

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 04:57:36 GMT

im so scared, treatment starts tomorrow. i dont know what to expect gosh im so nervous. idk bahhh OMG im so scared.

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 05:41:11 GMT

i'm feeling somewhat better today. i start treatment tuesday. i cant wait to ball my eyes out. ughhh i hate it when my eyes get puffy. bahh

rehab.

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 04:40:47 GMT

@sarah. i want you to go to rehab. you can do this, we can fight it. i know you dont want this, and neither do i. it's a disease and it controls how and what we think. if we dont get help it will kill us. let's do this together :)
i love you and i want you to keep me posted. we are very much alike, and i think we can be supportive of one another and beat it. we will still be skinny and lose weight, we will just do it without all the pain. i'm tired of fighting it on my own, i want help and i know you do too. no one can force you to do what they think is right for you, and i know that. i know how that feels. i also know how it feels to want something so bad but you cant go ahead and take that step because something is preventing you. anorexia is preventing you, it's telling you no. i'm telling you yes.

fuck.

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 00:43:10 GMT

i'm so stressed out. so much to do and idk i keep eating and eating, but i want to stop.

rehab.

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 01:39:48 GMT

so i'm checking into rehab, long story. i'll explain later.

;alkdfj

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 02:04:30 GMT

mental

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 04:04:02 GMT

i feel a panic attack coming.
i'm so used to them now, it's almost natural.
i just threw up a tuna sandwich. it was roommate bonding time.
i feel so disgusting.
geez i wish i was anorexic skinny so i could feel fine and normal.
i have a therapist appt thursday :/
which means i get to sit there and cry for 45 minutes. i hate it. i hate this. but i dont know anything else.
i feel like i was born like this, there is nothing i or anyone can do to change it. there is no cure for anorexia i believe. either you have it or you dont. the worst thing is, unlike physical diseases, this one doesnt let you know when you are going to die. well, sometimes. but not usually. not with me, anyways. it's with me forever, it's mental; not physical. i'm so worried sometimes that i smell like throw up that i layer parfume on me like nothing. i think my roommate gets suspicious but idk if she wants to say anything in fear of .... idk what she's afraid of. me, i guess. what else would it be. ;ajdf;lkj
i'm so tired, i'm going to bed.
sometimes i feel like i'm writig to my old self on here, not to anyone in particular but ana.

bingg

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 21:00:25 GMT

horrible day full of binging.
i feel like i'm not good enough to do everything i've piled on. but i am. oh i am.

i've been through this.

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 15:48:31 GMT

the headaches, the hunger pains, the nausea, lightheaded-ness, blahblah
i know this all too well.
a;ldjfa;lf i have so much shit going on right now, it's just another weight added to my shoulders having to deal with this.
well, not being able to deal with it because it's beyond my control.

and then i have the whole republican party mad at me because of something i didnt do.
i miss home, i cant wait to go back for halloween and see all of my best friends. who love me.
lol i need some excedrin! and some bones to start showing!!!!

therapy session

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 19:42:25 GMT

today i had my second meeting with my therapist. i always walk in feeling great that i have someone to talk to. I always leave her office in tears. it's such a touchy subject, because i've never had treatment for it before. it's coming back full throttle now, and there is nothing i can do to stop it. i have days, sometimes just a few minutes, of relapse. everything from my past comes flooding back and i want to cry. sometimes i'm in a public place so i hold it, and it goes away. sometimes i let myself go and it becomes uncontrollable, beyond my ability to persuade it. today was one of those days, but i can not figure out if it was because of my meeting with her, or because it just was. idk. i wish i could have my old self back.
but i dont at the same time. i want that comfort full time, not part time relapses like i do now. fuck sporadic panic attacks.

bed and breakfast

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 03:25:50 GMT

so we had this event tonight, like half an hour ago, and all of the RAs made the residents of our building breakfast food. i had two waffles with syrup, scrambled eggs, and bagel with cream cheese. i think i threw up three days worth of food, i was leaning over the toilet for about half an hour. my chest hurts and i want to look up how long it takes food to digest.

i miss you guys. i wish it could be like it was before, but i know most of you don't even check your livejournals anymore.
i miss the comfort of knowing one of you would respond to my posts and give me great advice. i miss sharing diet tips, and our weekly bikini parties.

this is the most comforting thing. the only thing and place i have to say whatever i can without anyone i know reading it. i just wish you guys were still here.

men

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 00:53:09 GMT

there is this really good looking guy im trying to pursue and hes soo hott.
he just came to my room and we didnt do anything
i want to kiss him sooo badly
and the attraction is so intense but its too soon to do anything.
hes sooo attractive. i think he likes me too but he didnt try anything.
why do men feel weird around me?
i get a weird vibe.
i feel so fat. maybe thats why he wont try anything. i want to be skinny!

ana, where art thou

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 15:44:37 GMT

hey, sooo i'm taking a break from doing arabic homework because i feel like i need to tell you how everything is going. i have eating nothing today. zero, zip. i have had an ice coffee, a red bull and am about to drink a biggg bottle of water. red bull has tons of cals, but whatever, it gives you energy. when i look at pictures of myself two/three years ago, i think about how beautiful thin felt. albeit back then i did not feel the slightest bit beautiful, when i compare to the feeling now, i almost immediately want to go there again. but i dont want to go THERE again, as in the feelings of hate and not being good enough for myself. all these past years i have set goals for other people, and the only thing i have ever done for myself (strictly for myself) was lose weight. by personifying ana and mia, i can once again go back to that state of mind that carried me through rivers of angst. i dont care, as long as i get there. no matter what it takes. i want to be thin again.

old

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 06:10:23 GMT

i havent been on in a while because i was too busy gaining weight. remember how i said i would just start eating for a while to get people off my back?
that while turned into two years, and i was never able to go back. no matter how hard i tired. now, my freshman year at college, all of the past two years are catching up to me and i can't help the feelings that come with. i want to be thin again, i want my old self back because that is the only place where i know myself. i am me when i am thin; and only then. it is a recurring nightmare but i can't stop the thoughts and the way i feel. it is completely involuntary yet i feel it is necessary. i keep having relapses that jump into panic attacks and i can't seem to find myself except in 'that' state of mind. you know what i'm talking about. i need my old self back and i need to concentrate on losing weight. i will do it. i can do it. i need to do it for my sake and my sanity.

old habits never die

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 23:59:12 GMT

i hate being fat

wow

Mon, 11 Jun 2007 03:11:56 GMT

long time no talk huh?
haha yeah i've been so busy, but its understandable, right? school is almost over, im lifeguarding, and yeah.

so me and mangobby broke up, hmph. yeah.
idk i was kinda sad but im over it now.
there are a couple guys i kindaa likee.

haha but i cant do anything with anyone for 6 months because of this pact i made with one of my guy friends. he said its a life lesson and i will look at guys diffrently from now on.

as for the dieting, i might be going back to the 200 calorie or less a day diet this week. if that doesnt work, back to starving.

yeah so leme know how you girlies are. i miss you all. mwahh<33333333xoxoxoxoxo

hey

Thu, 05 Apr 2007 00:09:46 GMT

bitches. omg i havent updated in a while eh? haha sorry.
yeahh im trying to starve to fit into my Easter dress :/
and this friday is so busy.
mk so i have to get up at 10 to get my nails done.
then my friend is coming to pick me up around 12ish to go to the mall.
then i get back.
mom takes me to sally's
and i buy either black or blue hair dye.
i come home, color my hair.
[im leaning toward the blue]
then around 6ish i leave for church.
then i come home around 7ish and j and lyss come over to go to bertuccis for j's bday.
and then i come home and maybe amanda and joana sleep overrr. maybemaybe.
but while at bertuccis i get cheerios from tim. but thats only if someone is sleeping over.
cuz i really dont feel like getting drunk by myself. lmao
okay babes.
hope you are all doing greatttt<333333

why

Thu, 29 Mar 2007 02:40:53 GMT

do guys have to be so ugh?
i feel like crying.
i hope u are all doing good
xoxo

hey

Mon, 26 Mar 2007 23:49:09 GMT

bitches :]
work is funfun. i get to eat free CHEESECAKE PEICES!! lol and COOKIE DOUGH. haha just playing. um yeahh im so tired tho. my back hurts for some reason. but the diet is going great. my stomach is maa flatt. lol

i hope yall are doing great. its julies bifday tomorrow and we're all going out for lunch sunday at bertuccis cuz i have work at dairy queen afterwards, or else it would have been a dinner ://

but keep up the amazing work girlies.

how about a cute dress party on my page next week? whos i n?

bikini party much?

Sun, 25 Mar 2007 23:20:04 GMT

lol hey girls. yeah i took this pic like two weeks ago. im guna take more today, but i wont be able to upload them until tomorrow cuz my dads doing something to his computer and the cord for the camera only goes to there :/

soo dont laugh when you see these. totally hideous; i know. i bet you all are like 300xxx more skinnier than i am. which gives me motivation to lose weight. and lose it quickk. haha.

so today i didnt eat much. then i had some lentil/rice thing mom made. my stomach is flat, and you can see my hip boness. which makes me happy :]

so here are the picss. mwah loves<333

everything.

Fri, 23 Mar 2007 20:55:21 GMT

so the musical went amazing yesterday... im soo happy. im leaving in half an hour to the next showw. im so excited cuz j and cara and colton are guna be there. caras not picking up her phone so i uno whats up.

but yeahh. diet is goin good. ate small things. like..not ate but picked off sides of. u know. lol

so i hope everything is going great. but now i must go check on dinner in the oven. mkay

i will write more when i get the chance.
bybabes<33
xoxo

ok, so.

Fri, 23 Mar 2007 10:53:33 GMT

the musical went teriff. omg it was like amazingg. we have it tonight and tomorrow night too. and cara and julie are coming tonight. caras sleeping over with a possibility of j sleeping over too. this is the first time they are going to meet each other, and they better like each other. lol so yeah yesterday i ate the granola and nut peices from honey bunches of oats, because i gave myself the permission to. then late last night, i ate like...just a tiny bit of cereal from the bag, like i clawed through it n shit. and i just had a chai, and im about to leave for school in about 10 minutes.

i hope i dont eat that much, considering i always eat a lot when i do sleepovers. oh well. we will see ;]
so everythings going fine with me and mango. i just got another ghetto stalker from cali on myspace. that just adds to my collection of creepy online stalkers. haha. which, i have not spoken to in a while, just to say. but dont worry, i dont give out like information or anything like that. thats a nono.

okay babes. im off to check helium, myspace, and yahoo mail. so i will write later mkay.
good luck with everything girls<333xoxo

bloated

Thu, 22 Mar 2007 00:47:24 GMT

with soup water. the stuff in soup, yeah i sorta drank it. i didnt eat the inside of the soup tho. since im only doing liquids so my tummy doesnt get too big. i just pee it out anyways lol. and there's not many calories in that so i dont have to worry. i've been chewing and spitting like a mother on drugs these last couple days. well, its only been 3 days since OS started, and im on a roll :]
my stomach has gotten flatter, and i am all excited to take those bikini pics. although you all will look 2000x better than i do. you know ;]. but i will show the pics to mangobby first, and then post them. haha yeahh

but anyways. work went great today. i lovee dairy queen haha. i wish you girls lived near me, so we could like diet together, and exercise together, and like go shopping and stuff :/

oh well. one day we will all meet. when that is i have nooo idea. maybe when we're in college? well for those of us who arent already lol. well, have an amazing day babes and i'll post again soon.

now off to comment you all<3
mwahhxoxolove.

work

Tue, 20 Mar 2007 22:28:11 GMT

first day at work went amazing. i love dairy queen. haha

and OS is going great also. i ate and spit out a lot today. but thats not the same as swallowing it. haha
and i had some diet coke at work. i cant waitt for tomorrow. the girls are the sweetest. they're all like 19, 20 or something. but its all good. its so hard to make the ice cream cone thingys. omgg. but the blizzards are realllly fun :]

so i hope dieting is going fab for all you girls. keep it up, we can get skinny[er]
xoxolove.