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im going to take the bus to go to the treatment center in 15. i'm so nervous. wisih me luck!
November 3rd, 2009
November 2nd, 2009
im so scared, treatment starts tomorrow. i dont know what to expect gosh im so nervous. idk bahhh OMG im so scared.
October 30th, 2009
i'm feeling somewhat better today. i start treatment tuesday. i cant wait to ball my eyes out. ughhh i hate it when my eyes get puffy. bahh
October 29th, 2009
@sarah. i want you to go to rehab. you can do this, we can fight it. i know you dont want this, and neither do i. it's a disease and it controls how and what we think. if we dont get help it will kill us. let's do this together :)
i love you and i want you to keep me posted. we are very much alike, and i think we can be supportive of one another and beat it. we will still be skinny and lose weight, we will just do it without all the pain. i'm tired of fighting it on my own, i want help and i know you do too. no one can force you to do what they think is right for you, and i know that. i know how that feels. i also know how it feels to want something so bad but you cant go ahead and take that step because something is preventing you. anorexia is preventing you, it's telling you no. i'm telling you yes.
i love you and i want you to keep me posted. we are very much alike, and i think we can be supportive of one another and beat it. we will still be skinny and lose weight, we will just do it without all the pain. i'm tired of fighting it on my own, i want help and i know you do too. no one can force you to do what they think is right for you, and i know that. i know how that feels. i also know how it feels to want something so bad but you cant go ahead and take that step because something is preventing you. anorexia is preventing you, it's telling you no. i'm telling you yes.
October 26th, 2009
i'm so stressed out. so much to do and idk i keep eating and eating, but i want to stop.
October 22nd, 2009
October 21st, 2009
October 20th, 2009
i feel a panic attack coming.
i'm so used to them now, it's almost natural.
i just threw up a tuna sandwich. it was roommate bonding time.
i feel so disgusting.
geez i wish i was anorexic skinny so i could feel fine and normal.
i have a therapist appt thursday :/
which means i get to sit there and cry for 45 minutes. i hate it. i hate this. but i dont know anything else.
i feel like i was born like this, there is nothing i or anyone can do to change it. there is no cure for anorexia i believe. either you have it or you dont. the worst thing is, unlike physical diseases, this one doesnt let you know when you are going to die. well, sometimes. but not usually. not with me, anyways. it's with me forever, it's mental; not physical. i'm so worried sometimes that i smell like throw up that i layer parfume on me like nothing. i think my roommate gets suspicious but idk if she wants to say anything in fear of .... idk what she's afraid of. me, i guess. what else would it be. ;ajdf;lkj
i'm so tired, i'm going to bed.
sometimes i feel like i'm writig to my old self on here, not to anyone in particular but ana.
i'm so used to them now, it's almost natural.
i just threw up a tuna sandwich. it was roommate bonding time.
i feel so disgusting.
geez i wish i was anorexic skinny so i could feel fine and normal.
i have a therapist appt thursday :/
which means i get to sit there and cry for 45 minutes. i hate it. i hate this. but i dont know anything else.
i feel like i was born like this, there is nothing i or anyone can do to change it. there is no cure for anorexia i believe. either you have it or you dont. the worst thing is, unlike physical diseases, this one doesnt let you know when you are going to die. well, sometimes. but not usually. not with me, anyways. it's with me forever, it's mental; not physical. i'm so worried sometimes that i smell like throw up that i layer parfume on me like nothing. i think my roommate gets suspicious but idk if she wants to say anything in fear of .... idk what she's afraid of. me, i guess. what else would it be. ;ajdf;lkj
i'm so tired, i'm going to bed.
sometimes i feel like i'm writig to my old self on here, not to anyone in particular but ana.
tiredOctober 18th, 2009
horrible day full of binging.
i feel like i'm not good enough to do everything i've piled on. but i am. oh i am.
i feel like i'm not good enough to do everything i've piled on. but i am. oh i am.
October 16th, 2009
the headaches, the hunger pains, the nausea, lightheaded-ness, blahblah
i know this all too well.
a;ldjfa;lf i have so much shit going on right now, it's just another weight added to my shoulders having to deal with this.
well, not being able to deal with it because it's beyond my control.
and then i have the whole republican party mad at me because of something i didnt do.
i miss home, i cant wait to go back for halloween and see all of my best friends. who love me.
lol i need some excedrin! and some bones to start showing!!!!
i know this all too well.
a;ldjfa;lf i have so much shit going on right now, it's just another weight added to my shoulders having to deal with this.
well, not being able to deal with it because it's beyond my control.
and then i have the whole republican party mad at me because of something i didnt do.
i miss home, i cant wait to go back for halloween and see all of my best friends. who love me.
lol i need some excedrin! and some bones to start showing!!!!
anxiousOctober 15th, 2009
today i had my second meeting with my therapist. i always walk in feeling great that i have someone to talk to. I always leave her office in tears. it's such a touchy subject, because i've never had treatment for it before. it's coming back full throttle now, and there is nothing i can do to stop it. i have days, sometimes just a few minutes, of relapse. everything from my past comes flooding back and i want to cry. sometimes i'm in a public place so i hold it, and it goes away. sometimes i let myself go and it becomes uncontrollable, beyond my ability to persuade it. today was one of those days, but i can not figure out if it was because of my meeting with her, or because it just was. idk. i wish i could have my old self back.
but i dont at the same time. i want that comfort full time, not part time relapses like i do now. fuck sporadic panic attacks.
but i dont at the same time. i want that comfort full time, not part time relapses like i do now. fuck sporadic panic attacks.
downOctober 14th, 2009
so we had this event tonight, like half an hour ago, and all of the RAs made the residents of our building breakfast food. i had two waffles with syrup, scrambled eggs, and bagel with cream cheese. i think i threw up three days worth of food, i was leaning over the toilet for about half an hour. my chest hurts and i want to look up how long it takes food to digest.
i miss you guys. i wish it could be like it was before, but i know most of you don't even check your livejournals anymore.
i miss the comfort of knowing one of you would respond to my posts and give me great advice. i miss sharing diet tips, and our weekly bikini parties.
this is the most comforting thing. the only thing and place i have to say whatever i can without anyone i know reading it. i just wish you guys were still here.
i miss you guys. i wish it could be like it was before, but i know most of you don't even check your livejournals anymore.
i miss the comfort of knowing one of you would respond to my posts and give me great advice. i miss sharing diet tips, and our weekly bikini parties.
this is the most comforting thing. the only thing and place i have to say whatever i can without anyone i know reading it. i just wish you guys were still here.
October 11th, 2009
there is this really good looking guy im trying to pursue and hes soo hott.
he just came to my room and we didnt do anything
i want to kiss him sooo badly
and the attraction is so intense but its too soon to do anything.
hes sooo attractive. i think he likes me too but he didnt try anything.
why do men feel weird around me?
i get a weird vibe.
i feel so fat. maybe thats why he wont try anything. i want to be skinny!
he just came to my room and we didnt do anything
i want to kiss him sooo badly
and the attraction is so intense but its too soon to do anything.
hes sooo attractive. i think he likes me too but he didnt try anything.
why do men feel weird around me?
i get a weird vibe.
i feel so fat. maybe thats why he wont try anything. i want to be skinny!
October 7th, 2009
hey, sooo i'm taking a break from doing arabic homework because i feel like i need to tell you how everything is going. i have eating nothing today. zero, zip. i have had an ice coffee, a red bull and am about to drink a biggg bottle of water. red bull has tons of cals, but whatever, it gives you energy. when i look at pictures of myself two/three years ago, i think about how beautiful thin felt. albeit back then i did not feel the slightest bit beautiful, when i compare to the feeling now, i almost immediately want to go there again. but i dont want to go THERE again, as in the feelings of hate and not being good enough for myself. all these past years i have set goals for other people, and the only thing i have ever done for myself (strictly for myself) was lose weight. by personifying ana and mia, i can once again go back to that state of mind that carried me through rivers of angst. i dont care, as long as i get there. no matter what it takes. i want to be thin again.
i havent been on in a while because i was too busy gaining weight. remember how i said i would just start eating for a while to get people off my back?
that while turned into two years, and i was never able to go back. no matter how hard i tired. now, my freshman year at college, all of the past two years are catching up to me and i can't help the feelings that come with. i want to be thin again, i want my old self back because that is the only place where i know myself. i am me when i am thin; and only then. it is a recurring nightmare but i can't stop the thoughts and the way i feel. it is completely involuntary yet i feel it is necessary. i keep having relapses that jump into panic attacks and i can't seem to find myself except in 'that' state of mind. you know what i'm talking about. i need my old self back and i need to concentrate on losing weight. i will do it. i can do it. i need to do it for my sake and my sanity.
that while turned into two years, and i was never able to go back. no matter how hard i tired. now, my freshman year at college, all of the past two years are catching up to me and i can't help the feelings that come with. i want to be thin again, i want my old self back because that is the only place where i know myself. i am me when i am thin; and only then. it is a recurring nightmare but i can't stop the thoughts and the way i feel. it is completely involuntary yet i feel it is necessary. i keep having relapses that jump into panic attacks and i can't seem to find myself except in 'that' state of mind. you know what i'm talking about. i need my old self back and i need to concentrate on losing weight. i will do it. i can do it. i need to do it for my sake and my sanity.
September 26th, 2009
June 10th, 2007
long time no talk huh?
haha yeah i've been so busy, but its understandable, right? school is almost over, im lifeguarding, and yeah.
so me and mangobby broke up, hmph. yeah.
idk i was kinda sad but im over it now.
there are a couple guys i kindaa likee.
haha but i cant do anything with anyone for 6 months because of this pact i made with one of my guy friends. he said its a life lesson and i will look at guys diffrently from now on.
as for the dieting, i might be going back to the 200 calorie or less a day diet this week. if that doesnt work, back to starving.
yeah so leme know how you girlies are. i miss you all. mwahh<33333333xoxoxoxoxo
April 4th, 2007
bitches. omg i havent updated in a while eh? haha sorry.
yeahh im trying to starve to fit into my Easter dress :/
and this friday is so busy.
mk so i have to get up at 10 to get my nails done.
then my friend is coming to pick me up around 12ish to go to the mall.
then i get back.
mom takes me to sally's
and i buy either black or blue hair dye.
i come home, color my hair.
[im leaning toward the blue]
then around 6ish i leave for church.
then i come home around 7ish and j and lyss come over to go to bertuccis for j's bday.
and then i come home and maybe amanda and joana sleep overrr. maybemaybe.
but while at bertuccis i get cheerios from tim. but thats only if someone is sleeping over.
cuz i really dont feel like getting drunk by myself. lmao
okay babes.
hope you are all doing greatttt<333333
yeahh im trying to starve to fit into my Easter dress :/
and this friday is so busy.
mk so i have to get up at 10 to get my nails done.
then my friend is coming to pick me up around 12ish to go to the mall.
then i get back.
mom takes me to sally's
and i buy either black or blue hair dye.
i come home, color my hair.
[im leaning toward the blue]
then around 6ish i leave for church.
then i come home around 7ish and j and lyss come over to go to bertuccis for j's bday.
and then i come home and maybe amanda and joana sleep overrr. maybemaybe.
but while at bertuccis i get cheerios from tim. but thats only if someone is sleeping over.
cuz i really dont feel like getting drunk by myself. lmao
okay babes.
hope you are all doing greatttt<333333
March 28th, 2007
do guys have to be so ugh?
i feel like crying.
i hope u are all doing good
xoxo
i feel like crying.
i hope u are all doing good
xoxo
March 26th, 2007
bitches :]
work is funfun. i get to eat free CHEESECAKE PEICES!! lol and COOKIE DOUGH. haha just playing. um yeahh im so tired tho. my back hurts for some reason. but the diet is going great. my stomach is maa flatt. lol
i hope yall are doing great. its julies bifday tomorrow and we're all going out for lunch sunday at bertuccis cuz i have work at dairy queen afterwards, or else it would have been a dinner ://
but keep up the amazing work girlies.
how about a cute dress party on my page next week? whos i n?
crazy